I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
