My underwear smells like fireworks.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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