My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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