i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
