Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
