They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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