if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
