I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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