wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
