why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
