Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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