my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
