I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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