All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
