News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
