$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
