I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
