So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
