My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
