So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
