I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
