Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
