I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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