totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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