I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
