here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
