I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
