Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
