i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
