Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
