my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
