Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
