Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
