I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
