The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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