It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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