i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
