I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
