I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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