sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
