i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
