Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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