we're chasing vodka with high fives
high people should be assigned attendants
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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