He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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