I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
