we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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