theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
