so explain again why im purple
no
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
