I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
