Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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