Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
