Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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